my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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