'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can I color on your dick again?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
