whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
