just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
