My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
