Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
