I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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