3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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