so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
