Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
