I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
