I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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