My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
