oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
