really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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