Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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