I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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