hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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