you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
