Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
