She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize