I am spending my child support on dildos
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
