This is not my ceiling
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
