Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
