My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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