Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
