omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My life is pants optional.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
