do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
