Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
worst night to have a conscience
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
