I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
