can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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