I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
