Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
