bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
