happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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