yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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