she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
