I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
