My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
we should paint friendship bongs
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
