I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
