Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
