i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
