Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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