Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
