My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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