based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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