i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize