Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Send help, water and tortillas.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
