Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
