After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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