He uses pillows to masturbate.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize