i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
