so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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