Plan B is the new Plan A
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
