so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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