now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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