He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
