The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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